Goanna Stories
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Narrative and story telling is an key part of what we do. Following the release of the first collection of Goanna’s we ran weekly contests where holders could craft the backstory of their Goanna with the best story each week being illustrated and presented to the holder.
We’ve had a large number of stories submitted and all of these are posted on a story channel on the Goanna Discord Server. Click here to view
The stories shown here are the winning entries. Another notable story that has been included is the story of Andy the Mutant, crafted by members of the Goanna DAO. This paves the way for the second collection, Zombies V Mutants.
Name: Lee Lizardbrain
He made his first million running an underground Goanna wrestling club. It started on a lazy Thursday night at the local pub. He was drinking. His mates were drinking. The blokes the next table over were drinking. Libations flowed as free as a severed lizard’s tale writhing in the dust on a good day to feel alive. Perhaps too freely.
Lee flicked his signature pompadoured head back, flitting his tongue out rapidly as he gestured the barkeep to bring out another round for him and the boys. They were served swiftly, being the regulars that they are, and the blokes the next table over were none too pleased about that.
Some grimy cockroach-looking fella sauntered over with a bone to pick, flicked Lee’s immaculate pomp into disarray and demanded they take themselves outside.
“Ok, but only if we’re Goanna wrestling,” Lee replied.
The degradation of the roach was so heinous that it can’t even be written, but legend has it that everyone who witnessed the whuppin’ felt it in their behinds over a year later.
From that day forward, Lee’s prowess as a Goanna wrestler penetrated the land like a virus. Hundreds of degenerates came to learn his ways and Lee’s Goannas became notorious for their technique, winning bout after bout. Necks were strained, egos destroyed, and legends made away from the prying eyes of the law. Lee, as the master of the madness, quickly built a small fortune in winnings and tributes.
But even in victory, he felt an emptiness in his heart. For what was a victory with no one to share it with? That day, he left the Goanna wrestling world behind in search of a higher purpose, but his winnings were stained with the blood of his victories. He vowed to disburse his wealth and unleash joy in those around him. He knew he must spend it all—for nothing can be taken from this world to the next.
There is no budget, there is only living. To this day, he spreads the joys of living life, enjoying and sharing the finer things that life has to offer with anyone around him that proves themselves worthy by passing the vibe check.
Name: TinyLizard
It seemed like a good idea at the start. A lucrative opportunity… An all expenses-paid trip to an exotic island. Five star accomodations, a luxurious clubhouse, amazing beaches, and most importantly? Free drinks. Did it matter that he had found his winning ticket in the spam folder of his e-mail address? No, not really. If anything, it was a test. Only the most dedicated of fans of Crypto Lizards Magazine (Get your copy today, for 19.99 Algorand + shipping. See details on back.) would see through such a well crafted feint. This was it he thought, “this WAS the winning ticket” he had so cleverly deduced.
However…By the time he had realized his Maginot Line of seemingly impenetrable shrewdness had been bypassed, it was too late. The white flag had been waived. Doctor 091, and his putrid band of minions, had him right in their cold, legally questionable grasp. The Kraken engine of the Goanna beam shrieked through the archipelago. This was it, this was the end.
Or so he thought…. When the dust had finally settled, and he came to, the first thing he noticed was his sudden penchant for crocodile eggs. Distracting as that succulent delicacy may be, he also knew that he had an important task to carry out. But his mind was still hazy, and he had yet to come to terms with his webbed appendages, and desire for croco- No… Breathe… Focus… “Damn” he thought. This was a hopeless endeavor. IF it were not for the camera. “Yes! The camera I brought with me” he whispered to himself. If his lizard brain couldn’t be trusted, then surely this human technology could be. With this device, he could take record of the unspeakable evil occurring on this island.
But first, he needed clothes. Embarrassing as it was, he needed clothes. The blast of the Goanna ray had rendered him completely nude. No doubt an intentional feature designed by the sick and twisted Doctor. He retreated into the wilderness of the Island, where he found the skeletal remains of an unfortunate victim of a punji trap. His reptilian eyes surveyed the fresh kill. A pastel pink Hawaiian shirt with vibrant palm trees decorating its surely 100% Egyptian cotton cloth. An alluring mesh cap decorated with a minimal and sleek yellow man. A tinyman… Staring off into the distance, looking at BIG possibilities. And most importantly, the cool blue shades. Any sane individual would have to admit those were pretty damn rad.
“OH YEA!” he roared in his mind, as his newly found green cold blood ran through his veins. This deceased fellow knew what the essence of style was. This was THE look. He donned the wares of his fallen compatriot, and said a few words of respect. But now, back to the mission. To get off this Island. To expose the evil deeds of Doctor 091 with the power of his camera of uncertain functionality. And to maybe, just maybe… Find some divine crocodile eggs. He set off into the overgrowth. There really was no turning back now. tinyLizard chuckled to himself, his tongue slipping out in excitement. Silvio wasn’t going to believe this…
Name: Julius
This isn’t just any story; this is the beginning of love story about how Julius met Elle Goanna.
On a chilly autumn evening, Julius put on his denim jacket and blue beanie as he rushed out the door. Julius was late to a blind date.
You see Julius had gone through life hopping from Goanna girl to Goanna girl, he was missing something unknown to him. His friends could see it too: Lawrence “Larry” Zitoanna (GOANNA 133) found his someone special. Even 091 found a girl, which no one had the heart to tell 091 a blow up doll doesn’t count…but hey he wasn’t sleeping alone at night! Both 091 and Larry sat Julius down, “Hey bro, we know a girl that might make an honest Goanna out of you.” Julius was apprehensive, he wouldn’t know what he was getting himself into. Julius paused deep in thought, and after a deep breath replied, “You know what guys, tell her I’m down. Give her my number”
Julius hopped in his Lambo and headed towards the Lizard Lounge, a new high end speakeasy where he would meet his blind date. With a beautiful sunset on the horizon, Julius put on his shades with a smirk to follow. He had a good feeling about this date. With five minutes to spare, Julius arrives at the Lizard Lounge and notices the most beautiful Goanna he has ever seen standing by the entrance. With his heart skipping a beat, Julius keeps his eyes fixed on the 10 out of 10 in front of him. His shades soften the radiance of the evening sun creating a glow around her. This mystery Goanna’s physique was nothing short of amazing, but she is facing away from him so Julius cannot see her face. As Julius approaches, she slowly turns around…
“Hi. I’m Elle. Are you Julius?”
In this moment, Julius knew what was missing was missing in his life. It was Elle. It was always Elle….
Name: Jorge
Jorge’s beginning was rough.
He grew up without guidance. His father abandoned him at the age of three (he has an uncanny, cross-eyed resemblance to 091). His mother couldn’t manage, and left him at an orphanage shortly after. While he excelled in academics, he felt empty. Something was missing. There was a void. And, poor Jorge … he filled that void with food.
Jorge was depressed. Notwithstanding graduating as the valedictorian of his high school, he was in a bad place. He was 690.420 lbs. His clothes didn’t fit. His feet were swollen, but missing. When he looked down, he couldn’t see past his belly. His self-esteem was shot. He needed a change.
One fateful afternoon, Jorge saw an advertisement – Goanna National Broadcasting Channel (GNBC) had a new television show and was seeking participants. The show was … “The Biggest Loser.” The show was essentially a competition where overweight Goannas would compete to see which one might lose the most weight.
Obese Goannas from all over the metaverse entered. Jorge, feeling he had nothing to lose, was one such Goanna. The first couple episodes were rough. Jorge was not losing weight as quickly as the others, despite his tremendous effort. Jorge was feeling defeated, yet again. He was fatherless, motherless, obese and alone in the world.
Jorge, getting ready to throw the towel in, took a walk to contemplate his future. That morning, the fog was dense. There was dew on the grass that sprang against his ankles with every step he took. His pants were wet. He was weighed down. Things were not good.
But, Jorge continued, and he came upon an area where the fog had cleared and the dew had dissipated. It was a beautiful forest, with trees abound. The trees were beautiful. Full of life. The trees were breathing fresh oxygen into Jorge’s lungs. He felt alive for the first time. What was this magical place? It was the Al Goanna forest.
This was a man-made forest created by the efforts of a brilliant Australian artist’s social experiment. Jorge felt at peace here. He also had an overwhelming desire to hug the trees. He ran from tree to tree, hugging each one. It was euphoric. Jorge would walk to the Al Goanna forest each morning. And, once he arrived, he would run from tree to tree – hugging each one.
While the euphoria alone was satisfying to Jorge, there were ancillary benefits. You see, all this running caused Jorge to lose weight … and quickly. Jorge quickly found himself passing the biggest loser competitors. Ultimately, Jorge won this competition. Jorge was … the biggest loser.
Jorge, now a sleek 169.420 lbs, started to get his life together. He invented the electric car and a national charging network. He fought in world war 20 and was awarded the medal of honor. He launched an Egyptian tour company that exhibited mummy Goannas. He even launched a company that brings Goanna’s to space.
He attributed all of this to the Al Goanna forest and that brilliant, Australian artist.
Today, Jorge finds himself enjoying the simple life. He is a scratch golfer and a level 2 sommelier. His days are spent at the country club. However, not one to forget his roots, one will find Jorge hugging trees on his morning walks.
Name: Naval Legwan
YEAR 2040:
It’s true, in the future Algorand is as big as we always thought it would be – perhaps even grander.
Unfortunately, in the future some things turned out far worse than we anticipated. We knew about the impending climate catastrophe for decades, but in true human fashion, indecision by “leadership” pushed us to 23:59. In a final ditch effort to save humanity, the brightest minds on the planet rushed to spray diamond particles into the upper levels of the atmosphere – effectively blocking out the sun and related greenhouse gasses.
That’s had some negative impacts on our way of living as it compared to 20 years prior. First, we are stuck wearing gas masks because no one wants to risk getting “Diamond Lung”. That particulate has also caused a change in our weather patterns – there are no more sunny days, we just have white sky and grey sky days.
On the bright side, the Al Goanna civilization – that for too long society mocked as “lizard people” – is finally able to stand on the surface of the Earth’s surface.
Name: xGoanna
Born to be decentralized. xGoanna originated in a world without a fully decentralized, transparent, codified and stable form of exchange. Tyrannical lizards controlled the flow of money, and inflated prices to unbearable levels. Goanna’s would wander aimlessly searching for a useful form of exchange to buy goods and services with. xGoanna, a crafty inventor, built the xBacked protocol. The vision xGoanna saw was a clean form of exchange; free from the tyranny of centralized money ruining his world. It would be accessible by any Goanna’s requiring a stable unit of exchange.
Their world became a utopia; Goanna’s traded peacefully, and citizens were prosperous. xGoanna, pleased with the peace and clarity the protocol brought to this world, went in search of the next ecosystem needing the xBacked protocol…. and arrived in the Algorand ecosystem, bringing the xBacked protocol with them.
Name: Joker
Do you want to know how I got these scars?
My father never approved of me as a child. He always felt I was just a little too… coldblooded, a little too STRANGE, you see? He called me a LITTLE FREAK and put me to work scrubbing floors in his roBOT factory while my stepbrother watched me. But he would say all these dirty words, you see, so I had to make sure he was clean too. So when I put him in the bucket of bleach, he dug hittle nails into my face…and let me tell you, with the bleach it was QUITE PAINFUL. But luckily I got a nice smile out of it for my trouble.
Do you want to know how I got these scars?
So my uncle was a rabbit hunter. Of all of them, his favorite were these great, large, FLEMISH hares. But you can imagine they grew tired of getting hunted all the time… peace was never an OPTION. So one day he brings home this GIANT one. “You’ll never believe it,” he said to me, “I just found this one, lying dead.”
I came in for a closer look. I was a CURIOUS CHILD you see. And the little SQUISHY bit me, tore at my cheeks… my uncle pulled out his gun and ended it, but he could never look at me the same, laughing in a pool of blood, unsure where the human ended and the rabbit began.
Do you want to know how I got these scars?
I used to work at a zoo, but my wife couldn’t bear the sight of me coming home, smelling like muck, dirt, and the cigarettes. Night after night, it all started falling apart. I could see the pink feathers caught in her dress, and I couldn’t bear it. The flamingo trainer you see, he was seeing my wife. And I couldn’t have that. When he left on vacation I volunteered to take on post. I kept those flamingos hungry hungry HUNGRRYY. Trained them to have little pieces of flesh, bit by bit, and one even swallowed her ring. And when the flamingo man returned, I fed him to them too, and had to try a little bit myself. The birds were still a little excited you see, and flamingo beaks, well, are rather SHARP
Name: AlGoanna Hamilton
How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore
And a goanna, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot
In the Algodex by providence impoverished
In squalor, grow up to be a hero and a scholar?
Algorand going to ten dollars, this founding father without a father
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder
By being a lot smarter
By focusing on his school
And at fourteen, they placed him in charge of a staking pool
And every day while shitcoins were being carted away
Across the waves, he struggled and kept his guard up
Inside, he was longing for something to be a part of
The brother was ready to stake, pool, leverage, or barter
Then a Bear Market came, and devastation reigned
Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain
Put a pencil to his temple, connected it to his brain
And he wrote his first refrain, a testament to his pain
Well, the word got around, they said, this reptile’s insane, man
Took up a collection just to send him to the mainnet,
Get your NFTs, don’t forget from whence you came
And the world is gonna know your name
What’s your name, man?
Algoanna Hamilton
My name is Algoanna Hamilton
And there’s a million trees I need to plant
And just you wait, just you wait
When he was ten his father rug pulled,
Debt-ridden by the struggle
Two years later, 103 and his mother bed-ridden
Half-dead sittin’ in their own sick, the scent thick
And 103 got better but his mother went quick
Moved in with 091, 091 committed suicide
Left him with nothin’ but ruined pride, something new inside
A voice saying, “103, you gotta fend for yourself”
He started retreatin’ and readin’ every White Paper on the shelf
There would have been nothin’ left to do for someone less astute
He woulda been dead or destitute without a coin of restitution
Started workin’, clerkin’ for the Algorand board,
Tradin’ Algo and Opul and all the things he can’t afford
Scammin’ for every book he can get his hands on
Plannin’ for the future see him now as he stands on
The bow of a ship headed for the new land
In the Lizard Lounge you can be a new man
What’s your name man?
Algoanna Hamilton
Name: Huffin' Reggie
Reggie lives a party lifestyle – but not a glamorous one. While some of his Goanna kin enjoy a charmed high-society existence, Reggie’s more likely to brown-paper-bag it — not just to cover up his King Cobras but to huff the fumes of whatever paint or gasoline is within reach. He hangs with winos and bums; and more often than not, he ends his nights alone and passed out in a ditch somewhere.
How he got this way is hazy, in large part because of the memory loss he’s inflicted on himself. But he knows he’s destined for better things, if he can only pull himself out of his self-destructive spiral and get back to the one thing he does best: playing the rusted trumpet he carries with him in a battered case everywhere he goes…
Name: Buster
My name is Buster. I come from a small town in a land far away and some people would consider me a country bumpkin, at least – that’s what I found out after moving to the Big Apple.
It was hard to adjust for me. Between dodging oncoming vehicles, the bustling crowds trying to stomp me to death on the streets and rats twice my size always chasing me down trying to eat me I quickly became a nervous wreck.
One particularly difficult day, I had just about given up all hope and was sitting in a bathroom crying for my Mummy when a gang of hooligans, led by one particularly vicious brute who only seemed to go by OH-NINE-ONE, came stauntering in and heard my cries. That’s when OH-NINE-ONE said “oh, little baby wants his Mummy. Boys, let’s give the baby what he wants!” And that’s when they covered me in glue and wrapped me up in toilet paper leaving me the way I am today.
I’m not sure where I’ll go from here. But I heard there’s a new Egypt exhibit opening up in the Museum of Natural History and maybe, if I’m lucky, I can get there and finally find a place where I can fit in.
Name: Andy the Mutant
It’s an exciting day in the lab. Silvio Goanna and his team have completed the final tests on the meta-portal which will allow them to explore the far reaches of the metaverse. They are excited to share their vision of a decentralised future with instant, fee free transactions and begin to form a cross chain alliance.
Andy is drunk, propping up the bar sinking another cold glass of his favourite mutant juice. He should have been home hours ago, but a spike in gas prices made the journey too expensive. Never one to let an opportunity go to waste he decided to sink a couple of cold ones as he waited it out. Normally the bar would be busy at this time of day but tonight it was ominously quiet and he drank alone.
As the Scientists initiate the portal they get their first glimpse at a strange and distant land on the other side of the metaverse. As a species that lives a carbon free existence the pollution and heavy industry is a strange and alarming sight.
Andy stumbles out of the bar, glass in hand to take a piss in the alley. Mid steam he hears a strange rumbling noise behind him. Six glasses deep, he is like a moth to a flame. He stumbles closer thinking to himself “this looks rare.”
Suddenly Andy feels himself weightless and falling into the blinding light. He may be drunk but this isnt his first rodeo and he keeps a firm grip on his glass with one hand and his precious cowboy hat with the other.
In the Goanna forest it is a normal day in paradise just like any other as the warm afternoon light streams through the canopy. A young couple walk hand in hand and men are returning home after a busy day planting trees.
Andy finds himself face down in the dirt. It’s not the first time he’s found himself in this situation but as he lifts his head and sees the light streaming through the trees something about this feels different.
He’s trying to recall who he got here when he hears footsteps walking down the path towards him. He looks up and sees the strange green reptiles. The sight of these foreign looking creatures puts him on edge. Instinctively the zombie within him takes over and without thinking he launches at the Goanna biting him in the neck.