N. Ice



“Ahh, my eyes!” the doctor shouted as #069 emerged from the womb on June 9, 1969. The exclamation, however, was not one of pain – it was one of pleasure. Never before had such an immaculate Goanna been seen in the flesh. “His name is Nwabudike,” announced Ju Ice, newest mother Goanna. The lone nurse, running on hardly any sleep after being around for the full 72 hour labor, had no freaking idea how to spell Nwabudike. She quickly wrote “N. Ice” on the birth certificate, and the legend was born.

N. Ice learned to walk 20 minutes after being birthed. In fact, he drove his mother home from the hospital. Thanks to a healthy diet of Flaming-O’s for breakfast, his swift brain development only hastened. At one week old, N. Ice applied and was accepted to the prestigious Harlizard University. There, he discovered the cure for cancer, solved world hunger, and found the G-spot. Everyone couldn’t wait to find out what N. Ice would do next.

Then, tragedy struck. After successfully inventing a hot tub time machine called “Al” in his garage, N. Ice set course for the day the Earth’s original lizards, the dinosaurs, were wiped out by an asteroid. Just after Al’s flux capacitor started humming, N. Ice’s pet snail secreted a gooey slime all over Al’s control panel. The slime fried Al’s circuits, and instead of being transported back in time, N. Ice’s brain was liquified. Goanna scientists estimate his IQ dropped from 6969 to 6.9 that day.

With his brilliant intelligence and irresistible smolder gone and replaced by a hollow head and blank stare, N. Ice has lived a quiet life ever since that fateful day in his garage. His many Goanna friends, who were once enamored with his seemingly boundless potential, carry on his legacy by playing dress-up and posing for pictures against many colorful backgrounds. They believe that through their project, which they’ve termed “Al Goanna”, the spirit and inventiveness of their liquified-brain friend will live on long after N. Ice is laid to rest.